Unemployment

Being unemployed sucks. I have gotten lazier, fatter and I smoke more. I thankfully started to pull myself together. I was drinking sooo much pop. I now have my two cups of coffee in the morning and spend the day drinking water. Hopefully that will help shed some pounds that I have gained being unemployed.

I have been having some bad few days. My boyfriend and I are just down worrying about money. It puts a damper on our relationship because we are both stressed out. I just started my period and have been having wicked cramps. None of my clothes fit. With no money to to buy new clothes. Eating healthy is so freaking expensive. We've been eating hamburger helpers which I love I think with the adding of your own spicing it up makes a delish meal but not so healthy. But they're so freaking cheap.

I am just ranting.

a blog for me

It's been a couple of weeks after the big move. I wonder to myself am I cut out for this? It has been difficult living with someone. I sometimes find myself feeling wearing down. Also, I need to do something about my attitude. The boy is really trying and I sometimes lash out at him. I sometimes feel it's for good reason but there should never be a good reason to lash out at someone. I just get frustrated. I knew what he was like coming into this relationship but it's difficult when you live with it day in and day out. I don't know how to make me feel better. I really want to say what's on my mind but I am afraid that I will hurt his feelings or come off cruel.

Then there are those moments when he puts his arms around me and hold me. Those moments when he says the littlest things that have so much meaning. Like we were at a store and he saw this sign that he wanted to get it said "Life is good" He said that he wants to put it in the kitchen because he feels that life is good when he is in the kitchen cooking for me and his son. I think of that moment a lot. To remind myself that this is why I came here.

He says all the time that he is happy when it's just us. That he is happy with me. He says just us because his mother lives with us. She is supposely moving in a month. It has been VERY challenging living with her. I don't help the situation because I complain about her to him. I sometimes need to remind myself that she is his mother that I should/need watch what I say.

Even on here I wish I could say what's on my mind. I can't because if I say out loud my complaints I will come off a total bitch. NOt that I care that people will think I am a total bitch but to myself.

I need to start doing something constructive with my time for myself. I am plenty busy here. I really don't have no time to blog, read blogs, facebook anymore. We are up by 7 am every morning and to bed by midnight almost every day. We barely ever have time to watch movies like we use to.

I think another thing that is bothering me is the job search. FOr both of us. It's just not happening. I know if I found a job I feel a lot better. Not having a job has really made me miss my old job. Never thought I would say that.

in·dif·fer·ent

good bye Illinois. Here I am Indianapolis. This weekend was the weekend I made the move into my boyfriend's. I didn't think that I would have these weird emotions. Or maybe I should say lack of emotions. It was a weird weekend to come. It's the weekend of his late wife's anniversary. So how do you feel? He keeps asking me if I am ok. I say yes but I know I am not. Not in a bad way or anything, kinda indifferent.

Since I made the decision to move I've never been happier. I needed the change in all aspects of my life. I am truly thankful to have found him. I have been anxious to make this move now I am just blah. I guess it didn't help that seeing everyone before I left was kind of sad. It was hard to see people crying and sad I was leaving especially since I was so happy.

If anyone is reading this blog. I know it doesn't make any sense. I am sorry. I am just kind of scattered.

take me out to a ball game

So has anyone watch that episode of Sex in the City? If you haven't let me tell you. Charlotte starts dating this guy who is constantly adjusting himself and it drives her nuts literally. Well I am having the same problem. My man is constantly doing it and it's freaking distracting not to mention kinda embarrassing. I don't think he even knows he is doing it when I try to bring it up to him.

I think it's a combination of having how do I put this delicately there is no way he has rather large balls :) And also with shaving :D all contributes to him shifting. It drives me nuts. In the episode she buys her bf supportive underwear. He wears the boxer brief so you can't get no supportive than that.

So I don't know what to do.

remembering today.

Another reason I think I am in this short temper mood. Today is my mom's birthday. My mom past away a lil over 10 years ago at the short age of forty one. She would of been 52 today. I get to thinking what would she of looked like. What would of been her latest interest? What kind of clothes would she be wearing? How would she wearing her hair?

Happy birthday Mom!!!

You are missed so much. A day doesn't go by that I wish you were here.

I love you.

Love,
Kelly

Attitude adjustment

I am in desperate need of one. I have two more weeks left of work and really only a week and half because I am taking a few days off. But let me tell you I am so tempted to slap the shit out of some people.

I am getting a lot of pressure to have an after hour or happy hour with my department. How do you put it nicely that you don't want to spend my time after work with everyone I work with. I thought about having something after work but with a select group of people. For awhile I was feeling guilty and was going to give in and have something where I would invite all of my department. But today because my temper is so short and I am getting stupid shit from people I am saying fuck it. If I want to invite only five members of my department and leave the rest out I will damn well please.

As you can tell I am just aggitated and fed up with some of the people I work with. Especially a certain girl I work with. I swear she thinks her shit doesn't stink. I just want to put a mirror in her face and say "baby girl you are not cute" My director is giving her all this power and she thinks she is all high and mighty. Come to find out they are moving my position directly under her. I am so glad I am leaving.

Ok that's enough of my bitching. I need to breathe.

The Reigning Trifle Queen

I have gotten known for my trifles that I make. The funny thing is I love cooking absolutely love it. But I hate baking and making desserts but turns out I am pretty good at it.

So anyways back to my trifles. I get requested at work to make them all of the time. It's funny other people in other departments will come up to me and tell me how good they are. What makes that funny is that the bowl I make them in has our department name. So what are they doing going into my bowl?! lol Nah I don't mind afterall "sharing is caring" A couple of ladies have asked me for the recipe and apparently theirs don't come out as good as mine.

So what makes me the queen. Well I started off making what I call the original recipe which is a white chocolate raspberry trifle and after that it got to the point that I would never make the same one twice. I was just always wanting to try out different things.

So anyways the month of February was my month to host our staff meeting and the host brings desserts. This is my last staff meeting I wanted to make something extra special for my department. so I got to thinking I knew I was going to make a trifle. But how was I going to incorporate everyones' favorite. So I stole the idea of using mason jars. I went out and bought 24 mason jars. I made four different kind of trifle. Three of them were the majority favorites and then I added a new one. I had to do a new one. So anyways here is the pictures of my hard work. It was a lot of prep work and it wasn't cheap. But the looks of everyones faces was worth it. I had this idea to label each jar with a picture of what kind ie: oreo, chocolate..etc then I included a cute dessert or chocolate quote on the labels. So we went around the room and everyone read their quote out loud. They got a kick out of it and ironically with out really choosing the quote people got quotes that suited them.

Drool over the pics :)

Prep







The End Results





From left to right

white chocolate raspberry, rolo carmel chocolate, triple chocolate and oreo cookie

the move.

The move is fast approaching. I have so much to do and things to get done. I have like 3 weeks left. Within that time I am visiting babes for 5 days. So it doesn't give me a whole lot of time to get some time in with other friends. It's kind of getting overwhelming and spending the money to do things. I have people asking me to do this and that. And it seems like everyone I knows birthday is in February.

I really want to see everyone before I leave. But also, I don't want anyone to think that I never going to see them again. I am only going to be a 4 hour drive. It's a lot but not managable.

I am finally going to get my paperwork from HR. My director was holding up my PA (personal action) form. I think she was thinking that I was going to change my mind. She is a weird one.

I am really happy that I am leaving here.

thoughts on dating

Things between J. (my bf) and I are doing pretty good. I think this relationship is a learning experience for both of us and I just can't ask for a better man to learn this with. Don't get me wrong he has his faults. But I know this is true love when I love him for his faults. I am so looking forward to this year with him. I wish I could put into words how I feel about him. I fall more and more in love with him every day. For once in my life there is no guessing, no questioning, no wondering. I know where he stands and how he feels about me. There are no games. It's so relieving. I kissed plenty of frogs to find this prince.

With talking to a friend about another friend (was a friend, more of acquaintance now). I have this friend well she is kind of frumpy and wants this good looking man but she doesn't want to put any effort into it. She doesn't do her hair, makeup or dresses for her body type. She is a plus size girl, she has a daughter but she has this huge list of what she wants. I don't believe in settling but seriously you need to uncheck some of your boxes when looking for someone. Also, she doesn't want to put herself out there. She expects a man to magically appear or for her friends to find her a man. No man is going to want her if she doesn't put any effort into they way she looks and she is super judgemental. She has turned religious. Isn't it funny how people turn religious and they forget who they were. Or forget do you remember I knew you when you were younger and were doing some of the stuff that you did. But I don't judge you. But you judge some of the stuff I do or others do. I don't get it.

What made me bring that up is she heard about J. and I, and she was not happy for me. She couldn't understand how come I found someone and she didn't or hasn't.

It's a lot of working dating. I was putting myself on dating websites and unchecked some boxes. By unchecking some of those boxes I discovered that I liked a certain kind of man that I didn't before. It's not easy. You have to deal with meeting duds, rejections, games guys play, drama and the time that takes to put into it. Hell I was taking a break from dating and poof here he was.

Anyways just some thoughts on dating and my lover :)

Girlfriend of a Widower

oh my I can't believe how long it has been since I written a blog. A lot has happened in the last few months. I met someone. I have come to terms that I was going to be by myself and I was ok with that. And then poof. Here he came. I cannot stop smiling thinking about it. Now it’s going on six months later. We are moving in together. Well I am moving to him. He lives in another state. I am quitting my job and moving. Honestly I couldn’t be happier. I have no doubts that this is what I want. Don’t get me wrong I am scared and nervous. But who wouldn’t be.

We bicker and disagree about everything! Seriously I mean everything. But I couldn’t ask for a better man. We talk and compromise. We always seem to work through things.

But the thing I am facing is that. I am GOW. Girlfriend of a Widower. I knew this upfront. We have talked about it. I know he loves me. But I can’t help these insecurities. Feeling 2nd best, knowing that she was his soulmate, knowing that I have to share his heart with her. From what I am reading everything I am feeling is NORMAL. Thank god. I don’t mind him talking about her (sometimes it more than other times) I don’t mind he has one framed picture of her out. The constant reminders (ie: He wears her ring on a necklace, he has her name tattoo on him. Also little things around his house) sometimes get to me but for the most part I am ok with it and can live with it.

Recently we’ve been talking and disagreeing about a particular subject. I am just going to say it and hopefully I get comments and opinions. We are at the point where we want to have kids. It’s always fun going over baby names and talking about what our kids would look like. I’ve always said if I had a girl I would like to name her after my mom who passed away. Well he wants the baby girl middle name to have his late wife’s middle name. Yikes. Does anyone feel how I feel? He says it’s a tribute for someone that was such a great person. It made me feel worse about myself. She sounds like this great person. She was a positive person. I am cynical. She was this skinny girl. Well I am chubby plus. She was outgoing. I am somewhat shy. She was mellow about things. I worry a lot.

How can I compete with all that? He makes me feel loved. I know he loves me. I know it’s all my own issues, besides the whole name thing and how he describes. It’s hard hearing what she meant to him.

I have been doing a lot of reading about this. I have to HAVE to learn to accept that I am sharing his heart with her. In time it gets easier. I tell myself that she had his past. I have his future. She had his heart then, I have it now and future. She never had any children with him. God willing I will. I continue to tell myself all of these things but it’s still my own insecurities that are getting. I can’t help but feel second best and that I am competing.

I feel it’s too late to turn back or back out of this relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him and honestly I don’t want to be without. I found love when I thought it didn’t existed.

So I just have to work through this and pray through time it will get easier for me.

changes

It's funny how things happen when you at least expect them too. Or how you have a plan or know the direction you want to go in and poof it all changes. This year I have been sure of things I want to do and accomplish. Now all of sudden those things have changed.

Someone recently came into my life. Totally unexpected but so refreshing. It's really too new tell what to come out of it but it's so exciting getting to know someone and have someone interested and pursuing you :)

I feel like I may jinx it if I talk about it. I really haven't talked to anyone about it. Something I want to keep to myself for now.

I hope all is well in blogging world for everyone.

xxoo

anti social, m.i.a., incognito

Just some of the words how I am feeling. There is a small amount of people that I tolerate communicating with these days.

I don't feel depress or anything because lord knows I have been there so I know if I am depress or not. But for the last month or so I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. All I want to do is be at home in my nice dark(I keep all the blinds closed, mostly to keep my house cool) and really cold air conditioned house. I am content and peaceful doing that.

Thankfully my true friends seem to understand that. But I sometimes I feel guilty or bad for not being a friend or not doing my quote on quote friend duties.

Working out is so non existent. I know if I do I will feel tons better. But this damn heat I don't want to do anything.

I hope I snap out of this because I have so many things going on this month and September.

ten years

so yesterday was my mom's anniversary of the day she died. It's been ten years. It's so hard to believe that it's been that long but at the same time it seems like it has been eternity.

It's crazy all the emotions that you experience all at once or through the whole time. I think of grief and it never ends to me. It's not a process it's the feelings you exerience or have for the rest of my life. At least for me it's that way.

I remember the woman she was. Absolutely the best. There was no one that didn't love her. She made friends where ever she went. I always wish I was that way. My brothers are. She was such an amazing person.

I wish I had here. Especially all that I am trying to do I wonder what she would think or what she would have to say. My mom always had something to say, it drove me nuts but it's something that I truly miss.

I wonder what she thinks of how we all turned out. How I turned out.

I miss her every minute of the day.

rest in peace mom.

BB after dark

I am a huge fan of Big Brother. This is the first year I watch the After Dark show on showtime. Usually it's kind of boring. But last night episode has me cracking up (I dvr it) so I am watching it right now and so far Hayden has scratched his ass and giving his resume over the camera. I don't know if he is serious or has gone insane from solitary confinement which I have know idea what that is about.

It is confirmed how annoying Rachel is. She really makes herself sound like an alcoholic. I never hear one person talk so much about alcohol. How is Brenden like her???

This is the first season that I don't have a fave. I normally I always seem to like who the house hates but I am annoyed with Rachel. I like Enzo but not sure he can win it.

Anyways just some random BB thoughts.

getting old sucks

So any woman's nightmare I discovered two gray hairs. *clears my throat* down there. wahhhhhhh. wtf. I was down there grooming and I couldn't believe my eyes. I don't even have any gray on my head. If I ever felt unsexy it was then.

I know I must sound silly but seriously this has really brought me down. I'm ready to eat brownies straight out of the pan.

totally tuned out

lately I have been checked out from the outside world. I literally hate being online, texting or talking on the phone. I actually don't mind chit chatting with complete strangers through my blog readings than people in my personal life. I so just want to be anti social and left alone to my own thoughts. I have a lot going on emotionally and mentally right now that I just want to be left alone.

I have always kind of known that I don't do good with needy people. But I get so aggravated with needy people. I have particular friends who are and seriously I can't deal. When talking or around them I am totally dazed and my physical body is present but the rest of me is totally not there. In my head I am totally screaming leave me the fuck alone. Does that make me a terrible friend??? I mean I feel like I do my friend duties being there when they need me which seems like all of the time. I really have only one friend that I never mind talking or seeing these days. It's because she totally understand what's going on because we are going through the same thing right now.

What the fuck do you do?


p.s. I can't seem to freaking work out. ugh!!!

it's back to insanity for me

I had a physical today. sooooo I really need to do something about my weight. I have been eating pretty healthy for the most part. I have been indulging in the occasional drink or two and sometimes pizza and sweets. But I have to do something seriously. It was embarrassing having the cute fireman/paramedic that was the doctor's assistant pinching my fat on my abdomen, upper arms and my thighs. I was wearing a skirt and he was trying to pinch my thigh a little above my knee and he couldn't get it so he ask the doctor. She came over lift up my skirt and got a big chunck of my upper thigh! lol I think he didn't want to lift up my skirt. I was a little embarrassed. I had to do this flexibility test where you sit down with your legs straight in front of you and you have to reach without bending your knees to slide this thing. I had trouble getting up. One I was wearing a skirt and two when you are a chubby girl trying to get up off the floor with nothing to pull yourself up. So he put his hand out and asked if he could help me up. How sweet is that. I declined didn't want him to have to feel my weight.

I will get back to working out consistently no matter how hot it is and what mood I am in. I sabotage myself all of the time. I should of lost some weight by now if I stuck with the insanity.

So it's back to insanity for me.

anxiety episode

ugh lately I have been having episodes of anxiety. I hate that tightening of my chest and shortness of breath. I don't know why. It seems to hit me once to twice a day out of no where. I'm sitting here at work discussing a rib competition that my department is competing in so no really worries and all of sudden there it is the chest tightening. I felt it at the grocery store last night too.

It's been awhile since I have had an anxiety or panic attack. I am so thankful that I am capable to deal with them without being on medication or letting them consume me. I am grateful for that because I know so many people who let this terrible thing take over their lives.

I felt awful when I was on medication for them because I got them so frequent. I had a real cool doctor that wasn't all about me being on them for life. He just wanted to take them to get balance and slowly ween myself off and that seemed to do the trick because then I didn't have signs of an attack for like three years. So now I only have them a couple of times a year but it's pretty frequent now.

I guess the best advice I can give myself is just to breathe.

the ball is rolling

*exhales* I feel good about where things are going. Today my doctor's nurse called and I have an appointment to see my doctor in two weeks. I am really excited to get things going. I feel positive and I feel real good about myself.

Bitching

How do you deal with hating your job? It seems to be getting worse and worse everyday. It's crazy how I use to like going to work. I mean I use to go in early now I dread going in. I think it's taking a toll on me. I am always tired and weary everyday. It all caught up to me today. I got home ate dinner and then poof I end up waking up at like 9pm on the couch. I don't remember laying on the couch lol.

Work has been so busy since we have had layoffs. I'm doing the work of 3 or 4 people. I sure don't feel the pay of that many people. My boss is so difficult to work with. I know it could be worse but she comes off like she is going to listen and take what you say but why bother when she doesn't do anything about it.

I am beginning to really dislike people in my department and it's only a matter of time before I say something. I am actually surprise that people still like me because I have become so outspoken.

This economy is no better. Looking for a job is awful. Jobs are like 15k less than what I make now and I don't even feel like I may enough. It's so stressful. I remember when jobs were out there. I never really had a problem finding another job if I weren't happy with what I was doing.

I am thankful to have a job and that thought is about the only thing holding my sanity together. But how do I snap out of this? I'm getting irritable and angry. Seriously do I need therapy?

Enough of my bitching. If anyone is reading thanks for reading my awful bitching.