Thursday, January 27, 2011

Girlfriend of a Widower

oh my I can't believe how long it has been since I written a blog. A lot has happened in the last few months. I met someone. I have come to terms that I was going to be by myself and I was ok with that. And then poof. Here he came. I cannot stop smiling thinking about it. Now it’s going on six months later. We are moving in together. Well I am moving to him. He lives in another state. I am quitting my job and moving. Honestly I couldn’t be happier. I have no doubts that this is what I want. Don’t get me wrong I am scared and nervous. But who wouldn’t be.

We bicker and disagree about everything! Seriously I mean everything. But I couldn’t ask for a better man. We talk and compromise. We always seem to work through things.

But the thing I am facing is that. I am GOW. Girlfriend of a Widower. I knew this upfront. We have talked about it. I know he loves me. But I can’t help these insecurities. Feeling 2nd best, knowing that she was his soulmate, knowing that I have to share his heart with her. From what I am reading everything I am feeling is NORMAL. Thank god. I don’t mind him talking about her (sometimes it more than other times) I don’t mind he has one framed picture of her out. The constant reminders (ie: He wears her ring on a necklace, he has her name tattoo on him. Also little things around his house) sometimes get to me but for the most part I am ok with it and can live with it.

Recently we’ve been talking and disagreeing about a particular subject. I am just going to say it and hopefully I get comments and opinions. We are at the point where we want to have kids. It’s always fun going over baby names and talking about what our kids would look like. I’ve always said if I had a girl I would like to name her after my mom who passed away. Well he wants the baby girl middle name to have his late wife’s middle name. Yikes. Does anyone feel how I feel? He says it’s a tribute for someone that was such a great person. It made me feel worse about myself. She sounds like this great person. She was a positive person. I am cynical. She was this skinny girl. Well I am chubby plus. She was outgoing. I am somewhat shy. She was mellow about things. I worry a lot.

How can I compete with all that? He makes me feel loved. I know he loves me. I know it’s all my own issues, besides the whole name thing and how he describes. It’s hard hearing what she meant to him.

I have been doing a lot of reading about this. I have to HAVE to learn to accept that I am sharing his heart with her. In time it gets easier. I tell myself that she had his past. I have his future. She had his heart then, I have it now and future. She never had any children with him. God willing I will. I continue to tell myself all of these things but it’s still my own insecurities that are getting. I can’t help but feel second best and that I am competing.

I feel it’s too late to turn back or back out of this relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him and honestly I don’t want to be without. I found love when I thought it didn’t existed.

So I just have to work through this and pray through time it will get easier for me.