Tuesday, August 17, 2010


It's funny how things happen when you at least expect them too. Or how you have a plan or know the direction you want to go in and poof it all changes. This year I have been sure of things I want to do and accomplish. Now all of sudden those things have changed.

Someone recently came into my life. Totally unexpected but so refreshing. It's really too new tell what to come out of it but it's so exciting getting to know someone and have someone interested and pursuing you :)

I feel like I may jinx it if I talk about it. I really haven't talked to anyone about it. Something I want to keep to myself for now.

I hope all is well in blogging world for everyone.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

anti social, m.i.a., incognito

Just some of the words how I am feeling. There is a small amount of people that I tolerate communicating with these days.

I don't feel depress or anything because lord knows I have been there so I know if I am depress or not. But for the last month or so I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. All I want to do is be at home in my nice dark(I keep all the blinds closed, mostly to keep my house cool) and really cold air conditioned house. I am content and peaceful doing that.

Thankfully my true friends seem to understand that. But I sometimes I feel guilty or bad for not being a friend or not doing my quote on quote friend duties.

Working out is so non existent. I know if I do I will feel tons better. But this damn heat I don't want to do anything.

I hope I snap out of this because I have so many things going on this month and September.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

ten years

so yesterday was my mom's anniversary of the day she died. It's been ten years. It's so hard to believe that it's been that long but at the same time it seems like it has been eternity.

It's crazy all the emotions that you experience all at once or through the whole time. I think of grief and it never ends to me. It's not a process it's the feelings you exerience or have for the rest of my life. At least for me it's that way.

I remember the woman she was. Absolutely the best. There was no one that didn't love her. She made friends where ever she went. I always wish I was that way. My brothers are. She was such an amazing person.

I wish I had here. Especially all that I am trying to do I wonder what she would think or what she would have to say. My mom always had something to say, it drove me nuts but it's something that I truly miss.

I wonder what she thinks of how we all turned out. How I turned out.

I miss her every minute of the day.

rest in peace mom.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

BB after dark

I am a huge fan of Big Brother. This is the first year I watch the After Dark show on showtime. Usually it's kind of boring. But last night episode has me cracking up (I dvr it) so I am watching it right now and so far Hayden has scratched his ass and giving his resume over the camera. I don't know if he is serious or has gone insane from solitary confinement which I have know idea what that is about.

It is confirmed how annoying Rachel is. She really makes herself sound like an alcoholic. I never hear one person talk so much about alcohol. How is Brenden like her???

This is the first season that I don't have a fave. I normally I always seem to like who the house hates but I am annoyed with Rachel. I like Enzo but not sure he can win it.

Anyways just some random BB thoughts.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

getting old sucks

So any woman's nightmare I discovered two gray hairs. *clears my throat* down there. wahhhhhhh. wtf. I was down there grooming and I couldn't believe my eyes. I don't even have any gray on my head. If I ever felt unsexy it was then.

I know I must sound silly but seriously this has really brought me down. I'm ready to eat brownies straight out of the pan.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

totally tuned out

lately I have been checked out from the outside world. I literally hate being online, texting or talking on the phone. I actually don't mind chit chatting with complete strangers through my blog readings than people in my personal life. I so just want to be anti social and left alone to my own thoughts. I have a lot going on emotionally and mentally right now that I just want to be left alone.

I have always kind of known that I don't do good with needy people. But I get so aggravated with needy people. I have particular friends who are and seriously I can't deal. When talking or around them I am totally dazed and my physical body is present but the rest of me is totally not there. In my head I am totally screaming leave me the fuck alone. Does that make me a terrible friend??? I mean I feel like I do my friend duties being there when they need me which seems like all of the time. I really have only one friend that I never mind talking or seeing these days. It's because she totally understand what's going on because we are going through the same thing right now.

What the fuck do you do?

p.s. I can't seem to freaking work out. ugh!!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

it's back to insanity for me

I had a physical today. sooooo I really need to do something about my weight. I have been eating pretty healthy for the most part. I have been indulging in the occasional drink or two and sometimes pizza and sweets. But I have to do something seriously. It was embarrassing having the cute fireman/paramedic that was the doctor's assistant pinching my fat on my abdomen, upper arms and my thighs. I was wearing a skirt and he was trying to pinch my thigh a little above my knee and he couldn't get it so he ask the doctor. She came over lift up my skirt and got a big chunck of my upper thigh! lol I think he didn't want to lift up my skirt. I was a little embarrassed. I had to do this flexibility test where you sit down with your legs straight in front of you and you have to reach without bending your knees to slide this thing. I had trouble getting up. One I was wearing a skirt and two when you are a chubby girl trying to get up off the floor with nothing to pull yourself up. So he put his hand out and asked if he could help me up. How sweet is that. I declined didn't want him to have to feel my weight.

I will get back to working out consistently no matter how hot it is and what mood I am in. I sabotage myself all of the time. I should of lost some weight by now if I stuck with the insanity.

So it's back to insanity for me.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

anxiety episode

ugh lately I have been having episodes of anxiety. I hate that tightening of my chest and shortness of breath. I don't know why. It seems to hit me once to twice a day out of no where. I'm sitting here at work discussing a rib competition that my department is competing in so no really worries and all of sudden there it is the chest tightening. I felt it at the grocery store last night too.

It's been awhile since I have had an anxiety or panic attack. I am so thankful that I am capable to deal with them without being on medication or letting them consume me. I am grateful for that because I know so many people who let this terrible thing take over their lives.

I felt awful when I was on medication for them because I got them so frequent. I had a real cool doctor that wasn't all about me being on them for life. He just wanted to take them to get balance and slowly ween myself off and that seemed to do the trick because then I didn't have signs of an attack for like three years. So now I only have them a couple of times a year but it's pretty frequent now.

I guess the best advice I can give myself is just to breathe.

Monday, July 19, 2010

the ball is rolling

*exhales* I feel good about where things are going. Today my doctor's nurse called and I have an appointment to see my doctor in two weeks. I am really excited to get things going. I feel positive and I feel real good about myself.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


How do you deal with hating your job? It seems to be getting worse and worse everyday. It's crazy how I use to like going to work. I mean I use to go in early now I dread going in. I think it's taking a toll on me. I am always tired and weary everyday. It all caught up to me today. I got home ate dinner and then poof I end up waking up at like 9pm on the couch. I don't remember laying on the couch lol.

Work has been so busy since we have had layoffs. I'm doing the work of 3 or 4 people. I sure don't feel the pay of that many people. My boss is so difficult to work with. I know it could be worse but she comes off like she is going to listen and take what you say but why bother when she doesn't do anything about it.

I am beginning to really dislike people in my department and it's only a matter of time before I say something. I am actually surprise that people still like me because I have become so outspoken.

This economy is no better. Looking for a job is awful. Jobs are like 15k less than what I make now and I don't even feel like I may enough. It's so stressful. I remember when jobs were out there. I never really had a problem finding another job if I weren't happy with what I was doing.

I am thankful to have a job and that thought is about the only thing holding my sanity together. But how do I snap out of this? I'm getting irritable and angry. Seriously do I need therapy?

Enough of my bitching. If anyone is reading thanks for reading my awful bitching.

Friday, July 9, 2010

birthday blues

I am totally not a birthday person and don't make a big production out of it. Reason being I have a couple of people I know make such a big thing about it. It's about presents and what everyone is going to do for their birthday. I don't expect anything or expect anyone to do anything for me but.....

My dad decides to pop over today I had the day off and he basically wanted to wish me Happy Birthday but comes out sorry I don't have anything for you other sending you flowers. He had flowers sent to me at work yesterday. Then he is telling me about how he is going out to dinner and movies with a bunch of people tonight. He didn't even care to try and make dinner plans with me or anything. In the past we had always gone out to dinner and he always gets me this certain cake. I guess not this year. I mean wtf. I'm not asking for anything but I thought he would at least want to take me out to dinner and cake.

I woke up feeling good today. I was able to fit into some capri and I just felt good about me and now I am so bummed.

Birthdays without my mom totally suck.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

taking out the garbage

Today well rather yesterday I went to help a friend move. It was the worse. She lives an hour and half away which doesn't bother usually. The morning started with wasted running around. We get to her house and she has nothing packed! Seriously I would never ask someone to help me move without having my stuff packed. One I really wouldn't want someone packing my stuff. She didn't pack the things that I thought would be the first to pack. Her whole freaking kitchen!

She had this guy helping her move her stuff that was the hugest racist prick. I was soooo uncomfortable and angry. I started to realize the kind of person my friend was too. Trash. I don't think I am better than anyone else but one thing I do know is that I am not trashy or affiliate with trashy people. I was upset the whole day and wanted to leave. But I couldn't was stuck. She asked for me to stay at her old house and continue packing while they get the stuff off the truck and bring back more boxes. She asked me to pack up her kids' closets and clothes. I was pissed.

Ok now to top off the day her bf wants her to contact someone she knows who is ordering UFC fight. She calls this person asking if her bf could come over to watch the fight this person never met her bf and to top it off my friend didn't tell this person that with was going to be her bf, two other guys and her two kids!!! omg seriously. AND my friend wasn't even home to go with him. She told her bf to go show up at this person's house. We get back to her house and she asked me if I wanted to go and I said the last thing I want to do is socialize with strangers. It's 10 at night and I spent the whole day moving and the racist prick was with her bf. I said I would just go home (I was suppose to spend the night) So I left at 10 at night. What bullshit.

where is the friendship going to go now? I honestly can't be friends with someone who I truly believe is trash and associates with racist people.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

baby fever

There is something in the water that I wish I were drinking. It seems like I know someone who is pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I can't help but be envious and wish it were me. I know that's not in my cards right now and it frustrates me.

I've had this fever of looking at all things baby. I sometimes wonder am I crazy that I want to buy baby things or look at them??? I constantly think of names, boy names that is. I already have a girl name just playing around with the middle name. I'm a obsessive person by nature so this has taken over my thoughts and even my dreams. I dream of so much to be a mother.

Is it bad that I feel owed to be blessed of becoming a mother? I've like so many other people have dealt with loss, grief and pain in my short 31 years of life. At age 21 to 22 I had to watch someone who I loved most in this world, suffered and die. At 22 I had to arrange a funeral for my mother and take care of my youngest brother and my dad. So can I feel owed something? Just this one thing to have a beautiful healthy baby.

On a lighter note:

I gained the pound that I lost last week. But I expected it. I didn't workout only walked. My eating has been bad the last two days. But it's ok I am resetting so starting tomorrow going back strict.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

you get what you put in.

starting weight: 233 1/2
last week: 230 (-3 1/2)
6-20 result: 229 (-1lb)

a big whopping one pound loss. I will take it. Last week my eating was off I wasn't keeping track of my calories and I was missing meals. So I know I wasn't over eating. I didn't do two workouts. So you only get one you put in and apparently I only put in one pound weight loss worth.

I'm disappointed in myself but it's ok shit happens.

So tomorrow is a whole new week. I will keep track of calories, do all of my workouts, and take my vitamins.

Friday, June 18, 2010

be beautiful. be smart. beflurt.

I discovered www.beflurt.com through one of the blogs I read and I absolutely love the site. You find discontinued or hard to find makeup and at times at a lower cost. I try to buy something little by little to add to my makeup selection.

Today I come home and I get in the mail a letter from beflurt that I am a "Preferred Customer" and I get my own promo code. How awesome is that?!

So if you are a lover of makeup or just a plain product whore like me check out beflurt by clicking on the their logo below my about me.

Be sure to take advantage of my promo code: KPatterson which takes 15% off orders $30 or more between June 21, 2010 thru July 30, 2010.

I heart beflurt.

Eating is important

So I normally weight myself on Sundays which are my rest days. Well I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning and I haven't lost anything :( I am really down about it. I haven't been keeping track of my calories but I know I am way under because I have been skipping meals and eating less. Isn't that funny I am contributing my lack of weight loss to not eating as much?! where is the logic in that. But I think it's true. My workouts were super tough and I must of not been having enough fuel for my body.

Then yesterday I skipped my workout I feel totally weird. So I am even contemplating of trying to do yesterday workout and today's workout all today. yikes! probably not smart but I am going to try it at least and see how I feel.

Losing weight has become an obsession.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

they're ah rubbin

my thighs that is. I am wearing a skirt today since it's hot and our building tends to get hot and sometimes humid. I dread wearing skirts and dresses because of my thighs rubbing together. Normally I carry some body oil with me and I forgot so now my thighs are rubbing and sticking together. ick. Not to mention that it hurts. So I am avoiding doing any kind of walking and I know I must be walking funny at times lol

So I hope that Shaun T helps me with that problem. Speaking of Shaun T. I am in love with him. =) he is just so darn sexy. I am doing the workouts and he is speaking to the camera but in my mind he is talking directly to me pushing me and I can't let him down so I keep going. I do take my breaks but he encourages that if you are too tired or need a break take one. Today is Plyometric Cardio Circuit which I hate. It's probably my least favorite. Yesterday, I had Pure Cardio is my absolute fave. Except I don't think I will ever be able to do suicide jumps. They will beat the death of me. That's the only exercise on that dvd that skip. Saturday I will do the Pure Cardio and Cardio abs which I am real excited to do. Isn't that funny?! *giggles*

Monday, June 14, 2010

Parenthood passed me by

I felt the need to write a blog this morning. Every morning I drive pass a school on my way to work. This morning I watching all the kids, walking , riding their bikes or walking with their parents to school. I thought to myself I am suppose to be one of those parents. What happen to the time? My life has not came out to what it should of been. Back in 98 I was a little over 4 months pregnant and I miscarried. My child would of been 11 years old. In 2004 I was pregnant again but very early detected not far along at all and I miscarried again. That child would of been 5 or 6 not sure when I was due. This will more than likely be another blog sometime.

So today I should/would of been a parent taking my kid to school.

I love that I have options to become a mother and god willing that ttc through a donor happens easily and quickly for me. I love this fact. But it scares me. Women get pregnant and guys leave them or want nothing to do with the pregnancy (my first pregnancy was like that) so women are alone. I know I can do it alone. But I can't help but think of having someone to go through it with it. I don't have much family and my mom is gone who would of been there every step of the way encouraging and rooting me on. Who will comfort me and let me cry and ease my worry or concern? If I don't do this I will never become a mother. I have always known that I meant to be a mother and I will make a darn good one.

scattered thoughts are all over the place.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

three and one slash two

Sunday are my rest day from the insanity program. I also made it the day I will weight in. I loss
3 1/2 lbs. a loss is good but I was kind of hoping for more. So I am a little disappointed. I wonder if it's because I was on my period??? I normally pull a good 5 or 6 lbs when I have gone on a diet and exercise. I swear the thirties are killing me. One thing I can say is that I am improving. Yesterday I was doing push ups better than I when I first started and it's only been a week. So that's a big plus.

I am really seeing that during this sixty day period I really have to cut out doing things. I had to house and dog sit yesterday so I went after I worked out yesterday but it's hard to stick to a diet plan. I also went to a friend's house last night and they order pizza. I couldn't help but have a few pieces. ugh. I was so disappointed at myself. I do give myself credit that all I drank was water. Everyone was drinking beer and I so wanted one. But I am determined to lose significant amount of weight.

Since today is my rest day I am resting from the meal plan. I am going to eat healthy but I am not going to count calories and stick to the routine of five meals. So far I have only had some yogurt and cereal. I have ribs cooking on the grill right now and so I will eat that with some spinach no bread. Although I so want to make some cornbread.

Well I have just rented Alice in Wonderland ondemand. So off to watch that.

Friday, June 11, 2010

that shit was bananas

those were the words that Shaun T said at the end of the Pure Cardio workout. lol This was one of my favorite workouts. I only had to skip one of the exercises. I still had to do modifications but this is only my first week. I am feeling pretty good. I am real excited to weight in on Sunday and see what my results are. Ok back to the pure cardio what I like about it, it's constant back to back exercises. Not circuit. I hate circuits. I don't know if it's because I am a.d.d. because I get bored so easily lol

On another note. The dieting and being on this schedule has made me want to not to do anything. I am so focus on losing weight that I don't want to sabatoge myself like I normal do. I have been getting weird vibes from friends. I don't understand why they don't get it. It's like this "oh one drink won't hurt" or "you have to treat yourself so going out to eat will be good" I am having to turn down invites. And the honest things is I don't want to go out and do anything.

My days go like this. Morning starts me eating breakfast then getting ready for work. work. I come home eat my fourth meal wait a half n hour before I work out during that time I am normally facebooking or emailing. So it's usually six o clock by the time I start working out. after working out I fix my dinner. eat. cleanup and then start prepping for my meal for the next day. Prepping takes sooooo much time. By that time I am taking a shower, getting into bed and read or watch my shows that were dvr. What's life going to be like the 2nd month when the workouts are longer??? So I don't have much time to be social. It's sixty days out of my life and hopefully sixty days that will change my life.

I have two brothers who are super cute. Boys still look attractive when they gain weight. Well in my family both of my brothers have lost significant amount of weight and got into real good shape. So they get all of the compliments and I remain the fat sister. So this year I want it to be me. In September my family is going to drive up to Michigan for a huge birthday party for my grandparents. I want my family members to say what they said to my brothers to me.

Totally random thought: I am so digging the song by BoB "Airplanes" featuring Hayley Williams from Paramore.


it's all bout the shoe

Day four: Cardio Recovery

My absolute fave. But still effing hard. It was alot of yoga combined with squats and lunges. I had to stop in the middle of lunges because my feet were hurting soooo bad I couldn't believe in how much pain I was in. The recommendation is to wear cross training shoes. This weekend I am going to see if I can find a decent price pair. I had just bought some running shoes like two months ago. I wish I could return them but I have used them. But I guess I just use those for outside and my new pair will be inside workout shoes.

Today is "Pure Cardio" let's say I am scuuuurrrrred lol :)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

day three:

Cardio Power & Resistance:

Is soooo hard. It really bums me out that there is a lot of things I cannot do. I mean Shaun T even gets out of breath when he is doing the work outs. You see these very fit people having to take breaks. It's tons of jumping. Again the warms ups are super tough. But I do get through them and I sweat and I really sweat. The one thing I found odd with this program that I haven't seen anywhere else. You do warms up and then you do stretching to start the actual workout. Never seen that before.

So I am questioning is this right for me??? I like it but it's too hard. Do I just keep doing it and not only of my goal to lose weight but to be able to do every single exercise in the program. I guess I will know when I weight myself on Sunday.

Also, I am on my period and I wonder if that's causing me to be slower. Way to start my first week of this program but I figure why not start. I do have to say it seems to help with a cramping or usual soreness I get when being on my period.

Tomorrow is Recovery day I think my last blog I wrote that today is when I looked at the calendar I thought it was on Wednesday but it's because the calendar is Mon-Sun not like a typical calendar Sun-Sat so I just saw middle of the week lol But I have to say I am looking forward to it although the description for the recovery says this:

"Cardio Recovery: Don't get your hopes up-this isn't the recovery you're expecting. But it should help your body and muscles prepare for more INSANITY (approx. 35 min)"


I am anxious to see my results at the end of this week. It may influence my decision to return the Insanity and maybe get another program??

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

holy soreness & sweatyness

Day 1:

Fit test. Is no joke. You do eight different exercises for a minute. You want to document how many you do in a minute. Mine is as follow:

one: switch kicks - 50 {not so bad but still I have to motified it}

two: Power jacks - 25 {again not so bad I am pretty slow though}

three: power knees - 55 {this one was probably the easiest if I can even say that but done this exercise before}

four: Power jumps - 10 {Freakin HARD}

five: globe jumps - 5 {jumping is not my thing}

six: suicide jumps - 5 {I had to stop to throw up! lol}

seven: push up jacks - 6 {it is my ultimate goal get these downs} Although I did six I know they were not in correct form.

eight: low plank oblique - 14 {I think my number is 28 they count each side as one I counted as a set} this is another one I hope to master.

So as you can I have real low numbers don't let that fool you. I was sweating so bad. I woke up this morning so sore!!!

Day 2

Plyometric Cardio Circuit

Alot of the reviews I read say you need to do a warm up for the warm up. So TRUE. The warm up itself was a workout. There were some exercises that I just couldn't do I actually fast fwd. I really hope to go through these workouts without modifying or skipping.

Alot of the exercises I would say were sports orientated. Heismen trophy move lol basketball jumps, soft knees, mock tire drills. At the end of the dvd they did some boxing which I wish they did more of. All other circuits were done three times. The boxing circuit was only done once :(


I am still very hungry I just deal with it. Today we had a staff meeting which the department pays for (pizza) I brought my own lunch and stuck with it. I can't believe how much prep you have to do. I see why there are so many overweight people. It's so easy to pick up fast food or order out. Even microwave food. But I have to admit I am not tired during the day.

I will keep blogging the next couple of days too.


Sunday, June 6, 2010


That's how much I weigh. Very depressing but surprisingly lower than I thought. my goodness it takes a lot of work to lose weight. Not just the working out part but in the past two days I had to grocery shop at three different stores. I spent two hours prepping for my breakfast, mid morning meal and lunch for the week and I haven't completely finished. I bought some ground turkey, turkey cutlets and chicken breast cutlets that I had to open and separate because I only cook for one person so I can just grab a bag and make enough for me. I also sliced, diced and cut fruit and vegetables and individual contained them so I can just grab a container for a meal. I wrote out my meals for the week. I have to revise a little cause there are some stuff I didn't buy and I am NOT going to another grocery story will save that for next week.

My plan is to grocery shop once a week and buy just for the week. I think it's going to turn out to be expensive. But I have to do this for me.

I already measured myself and take "before" pictures. I wanted to throw up. it's real different when you are looking in a mirror but when you look at yourself through a camera at the mirror it
s a whole different story. I had to take my own pics so I had to do it that way.

I think I am going to blog the whole experience. So tomorrow starts my first day of the "Insanity" workout and diet.

Sixty days start tomorrow.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Insanity here I come

I just got my insanity workout delivered today. Boy am I scared lol I decided I am going to start next monday since the workout schedules start on Mondays. Leave it to me to make my goal five days away. I am hoping this works for me. I am a little intimated because I do think the workout is geared to people who are already fit but I am going to try it. The set comes with a book with meal plans which is a big help to me. I am going to have to plan my meals in advance and shop every week. I keep telling myself I have to commit myself for me. I will probably take before pictures yikes! and blog the whole process with my results. Sunday I am going to weigh myself and measure my body and take before pictures in my sports bra like they do in Biggest Loser.

It looks like a big book with ten dvds along with the nutritional guide. From the formula I should be eating 1500 calories. So I will need to eat five - three hundred calorie meals. That's going to be tough for me to eat 5 meals. I generally eat a quick and easy breakfast and may have a banana mid morning and my biggest meal is lunch. I never eat a mid afternoon meal. I guess I will have do that 4th meal as a snack before my workout.

I will do a full review after my first day. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

baby mode

I am in such baby mode. In the last two months I have made a decision that I want to start a family (smbc) next year. But that's next year. It's only the end of May. I have a long way till then. To officially start. It's driving me crazy. I keep telling myself that I cannot do anything. I am not completely prepared as far as money and to get me out of baby mode. I tell myself do all of the fun things now that I won't be able to do when I am pregnant and after I have a baby.

I am super anxious but it's scary at the same time. I am totally confident in my decision but you can't help get all of the questions or wonders.

hmmmm this is a scattered blog just had to get my thought out. Probably will be more later.


Monday, May 24, 2010


My weight has really become an issue. I have gained so much weight. I am finally finally decided that I am going to try the insanity workout home dvds. It's sixty days. I am going to commit to myself. It's two months. I have to do it for me. My hope is that if it's expensive that I will do it. I can do this I know I can. I will feel better.

Wish me luck and good wishes that I stick this out.


Rear view Mirror

Often times I imagine looking in my rear view mirror and see all I am leaving. Meaning wish I could just pack what I can in my car and drive away. Not having a particular destination in mind. It would be so nice to have that freedom. Not be stuck just working to pay the bills. I guess this thinking is I feel no ties here. This may sound sad but I don't feel that way. I am pretty at ease with my life other than the occasion complaint of work or people.

I guess it's one of the many reasons that has made me want to have a child. It may all sound contridictory me wanting to leave and then just say settle down and become a mother. I just feel strongly that a child would give me a purpose to put roots down. I feel like I have no real family anymore. Since my mom died it's not the same anymore and it has taken me years and a lot of emotions to be okay with that. Don't get me wrong it hurts every day knowing that I don't have my mom anymore. The okay part is that my once was family is no more. I have come to terms with it and pretty much look at it is as "it is what it is"

Saturday, May 22, 2010

madness and sadness

I haven't blogged in forever. I have just been so super busy. This is my only weekend of not having a thing to do. I love it. Next weekend I have Thursday night hanging out with my friend and her cousin who is coming in from Canada. Friday spending the day with my sister n law and getting my hair cut. Friday night I prepping food for my Saturday night. Saturday driving to my friend's house who lives an hour and half away barbecuing and getting the UFC pay per view which I can't wait to see. Sunday morning I will be at her house probably till the early afternoon and then I think may do family things Sunday or Monday. After that weekend I am going to a concert with the friend who lives hour and half away so spending Saturday and part of Sunday there too. whew it's a lot and I haven't quite determine where I am getting the money to do all of this lol

And....I finally come to the realization that I need to go on a diet. what sadness :( I swear I can't fit into anything. I have so many pairs of jeans especially some really nice expensive brands that I can't fit into ugh.

So I pulled out my biggest loser calorie counter book lol and I am going to go grocery shopping every Sunday and buy for the week. My biggest fault with dieting and meals is my lack of planning ahead.

It kind of sucks I already wake up early just to have time to do my hair and makeup. My favorite saying beauty is pain lol It sure is. I can't seem to get myself to do more than walking these days. Normally I find a work out that I love and have the motivation to do it. Not this time around. I love tae bo but not enough to make myself do it. Well besides you should only do it once a week. I can't get into doing my Biggest Loser yoga, Jillian's or Jackie Werner workout which I love all of them and seen the best and fastest results.

So I keep telling myself one thing at a time. Get my eating better and continue my walking and slowly incorporate yoga and tae bo.

Well off to enjoying my weekend of nothing. Hoping I will do more blogging.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Obsessive behavior

Oh why can't I work out. work has been so stressful and annoying the F. out of me. So when I get home I don't want to do anything. The only thing I can make myself do is walk and the weather has been sucking. Rain rain go away.

I feel like I am struggling with working out and this craving for excitement and adventure but don't know what to do. ugh. I know I will get over this bipolar moment *grins*

I still have this semi-dangerous obsession of shopping. I swear I need to cancel my internet service to stop from ordering online! Ok so it's not that bad but I have to admit I can get impulsive. lol

And finally I am in baby mode. I see babies, pictures of babies and baby things and I WANT one. So obsessive.

I swear I never thought I had such a obsessive trait but I am finding I am learning all new things about myself. lol

Well keeping this blog short. I am totally scattered and all over the place. Not making much sense. =)

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I have two major obsessions going on right now. shopping. food. ugh both have really been hard on me.

I keep shopping and if I don't go to the stores I am shopping online. Especially beauty products. I have spent like $400 in just beauty products which I haven't been able to use much because damn allergies. Allergies have been really kicking my ass this season. Between Hautelook and Amazon I have been going for broke. Oh and ebay again which was an addiction I had kicked a while back. But it's back. lol

Food for whatever reason all I want to do is eat. My latest craving and wants is chamorro food. Lots of rice and different sausages. I cannot find anywhere El Marca Rey Spanish Chorizo sausage. I have been craving that like crazy. I love to cook but I went through months of not wanting to cook and I am still like that I am more on easier and quick rather than homemade and the sad thing is those quick, cheap and easy things are not all that healthy. I need to focus on working out. I have gained some weight I can tell. So starting Monday I really hope to start with some real good workouts so that I can eat things like Chipotle or ramen noodles and not feel guilty.

This chubby girl wants to a not so chubby girl who is not so broke :) One can always hope right. ;p

p.s. I am pretty stoked a friend of mine offered to draw a tattoo for me. I am working on ideas to share with her. That will be last major expense then really I will focus on saving saving. Also gives me motivation to work on the areas I want the tattoo.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


while back I signed up for hautelook but never really looked at their events. I saw on facebook or maybe on twitter from A brilliant brunette blog that I read about Urban Decay having an event. So I looked and seriously I have a problem with shopping and hautelook did not help! hehe

Monday, April 19, 2010

It's an addiction

oh em gee. I was at a restaurant and I thought I forgot my lip balm. I was frantically searching my purse. My sister n law was cracking up. It's pretty well known among my friends and family of my addiction. I never leave home without it. =)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Urban Decay Surreal in Dream

I absolutely love my new foundation from Urban Decay. I can't say how much I have fallen in love with it. Yes being a little dramatic here but honestly when you wear something that looks good on you just feel great. It's a cream to powder foundation which I have never used before but the woman at ulta put it on me and I was instantly impressed.

Today was my first day using it and it was super easy to apply with the brush that's included. You take a swipe and apply on your face. Turning the brush over and start brushing all over. A little goes a lonnnng way. I skipped so many steps. With previous foundation (mac studio fix) I would moisturize, prime, foundation, then set it with mac skinfinish and then apply a mineral veil. whew. Now I just moisturize, prime and foundation and looks way better than when using mac. I honestly feel like a dream :) I have this clean, photofinish dewey look. I love it.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

beauty is pain.

beauty had been a pain on my wallet. I was suppose to get new tires on my car. and of course I went berserk on shopping especially since I haven't been shopping in forever. actually last time I went shopping was xmas and that wasn't even for me. So I spent over $500 at Torrid and about $300 at Ulta. Although it felt good to buy some new clothes and finally finally get to buy the good shampoo awwww how I love pureology.

I absolutely love love my new Urban Decay foundation. Since my dermatologist put me on Atralin which I am pretty happy with. It doesn't bleach and I have notice a huge improvement on my skin. And it helps with fine lines. Totally kick ass. But the down fault it dries my skin. And it has caused my skin to be super sensitive to moisturizers. I normally use Mac studio fix but the color has become icky on me that I have to dilute with a moisturizer and it flakes yuck. So I went to Ulta and one of the makeup people suggested a moisturizer especially when I didn't know she was putting on my skin and started to burn so they quickly took off and applied this moisturizer Mario Badescu Kera Moisturizer total difference and didn't burn my skin at all. Pretty reasonable priced and a little goes along way.

I will have to do a full review on my Dream U.d. foundation. I am probably going to write a blog of everything I am now using and love.

I seriously need to blog more often it has been really hard to in the last month being busy with work.

Hopefully someone is reading this and enjoying my randomness =)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010


so I have been thinking about buying the insanity workouts by Shaun T. It's about $120 and from the reviews have heard how good they are but I think it's not intended for plus size people so I am hesitant about buying it. From the snippets of videos I seen I really like the moves but it's just at a real intense pace. So am I ready for it. I need something structured. I wish I could afford a gym with a personal trainer that's the only way I am successful with working out and keep working out if I have a structure plan laid out for me. It's freakin weird I can make a plan, write out exactly what I am going to do and on what days but do I follow NO.

I think when I get some extra money which I am hoping will be in the next couple of paychecks I am thinking I will buy it and buy me some real good shoes. I can tell it's time I needing something lighter and more supportive.

I so want this to be a fitter 2010 for me.


Friday, February 26, 2010

big girl in a skinny world

I heart this blog. Ashley Falcon is love. I really like her input and when she show items she has or purchased it makes me think huh never would think to try something like that. The last year or so I have been trying things outside my norm. Like getting out of wearing just black now I wear all types of color. I love her blogs so much I subscribed to marie claire magazines.

so now it's transferring fashion on a budget. *sighs* I have been needing some retail therapy and shopping for some clothes that I feel great in and look trendy would be totally awesome.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

goodbye red. hello dark chocolate brown

it took me awhile to decide what to do with my hair color. I had got so many compliments on red hair and really liked it. But I was faced with the keeping it up and since I am on a budget it made my decision for me. but I so love the dark brown and I have some red tints from my old color.

p.s. got2b products are awesome. I will have to write reviews and provide pictures.


Friday, February 19, 2010

My very first blog

I decided to create this page because I was following a couple of other blogs mainly on makeup. I just felt I wanted to share my rants, loves of all sorts of things. I think mostly of my obsessions. anything and everything on beauty products since I am a total product whore. fashion. weightloss and weightgains lol and who knows what else :)

I hope to attract followers who will find my blogs interesting and humorous.

so let it begin :) enjoy!


Beauty on a budget

Is there such thing? I've been having to live within a tight budget lately and one thing I never did was go cheap on makeup or hair products. I am starting to realize my treat to myself (MAC makeup) needs to be a un-obsession. ugh. whaaaawwwww I've made some minor adjustments using a mascara by Loreal that I found I like. Sticking to the MAC eyeshadows I already have instead of buying and buying more and more colors. I think I am going to have to give up my smashbox primer I am going to try the Hard Candy for $8 hopefully it's something I will love. I will not give up my mac foundation though. Although I have been reading reviews on Revlon Photo finish foundation. It's like $15 so for ten more I can stick to my Mac. Hey I can't give up on everything right?

I am going to have to completely stop all purchasing of purelogy hairproducts (another sad face) I picked up a couple of items from walgreens that was BOGO Got2B. I hope I like it.

I must say I am really hating this. *pouting*