oh my I can't believe how long it has been since I written a blog. A lot has happened in the last few months. I met someone. I have come to terms that I was going to be by myself and I was ok with that. And then poof. Here he came. I cannot stop smiling thinking about it. Now it’s going on six months later. We are moving in together. Well I am moving to him. He lives in another state. I am quitting my job and moving. Honestly I couldn’t be happier. I have no doubts that this is what I want. Don’t get me wrong I am scared and nervous. But who wouldn’t be.
We bicker and disagree about everything! Seriously I mean everything. But I couldn’t ask for a better man. We talk and compromise. We always seem to work through things.
But the thing I am facing is that. I am GOW. Girlfriend of a Widower. I knew this upfront. We have talked about it. I know he loves me. But I can’t help these insecurities. Feeling 2nd best, knowing that she was his soulmate, knowing that I have to share his heart with her. From what I am reading everything I am feeling is NORMAL. Thank god. I don’t mind him talking about her (sometimes it more than other times) I don’t mind he has one framed picture of her out. The constant reminders (ie: He wears her ring on a necklace, he has her name tattoo on him. Also little things around his house) sometimes get to me but for the most part I am ok with it and can live with it.
Recently we’ve been talking and disagreeing about a particular subject. I am just going to say it and hopefully I get comments and opinions. We are at the point where we want to have kids. It’s always fun going over baby names and talking about what our kids would look like. I’ve always said if I had a girl I would like to name her after my mom who passed away. Well he wants the baby girl middle name to have his late wife’s middle name. Yikes. Does anyone feel how I feel? He says it’s a tribute for someone that was such a great person. It made me feel worse about myself. She sounds like this great person. She was a positive person. I am cynical. She was this skinny girl. Well I am chubby plus. She was outgoing. I am somewhat shy. She was mellow about things. I worry a lot.
How can I compete with all that? He makes me feel loved. I know he loves me. I know it’s all my own issues, besides the whole name thing and how he describes. It’s hard hearing what she meant to him.
I have been doing a lot of reading about this. I have to HAVE to learn to accept that I am sharing his heart with her. In time it gets easier. I tell myself that she had his past. I have his future. She had his heart then, I have it now and future. She never had any children with him. God willing I will. I continue to tell myself all of these things but it’s still my own insecurities that are getting. I can’t help but feel second best and that I am competing.
I feel it’s too late to turn back or back out of this relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him and honestly I don’t want to be without. I found love when I thought it didn’t existed.
So I just have to work through this and pray through time it will get easier for me.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
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A couple of things - his love for the woman who passed away will never disappear, and if you can accept that, then you can move forward with the relationship.
ReplyDeleteJealousy is normal - if it wasn't about the deceased, it would be about an ex-girlfriend or someone else. It's okay - you're allowed to feel jealous.
I think you need to lay out exactly how you feel with your man. Say, I respect that you love (the deceased) and want to honor her, but this is our child, and this pains me because it makes me think that you wish our child was your child with her. (If this is the case, of course.) Let him know that you know he loves you, but you need him to realize that the two of you are moving forward in and of yourselves, and while you fully respect his deceased former spouse, it isn't fair to put that into your relationship.
Maybe you can reach a compromise. Let's say her name was Elizabeth. Why not choose a middle name like Eliza or Eliana? Something that honors her but isn't exactly her name, and something that you two choose together as a name that you like, not the name of his former spouse.
Hope this helps!
Kells, no! don't bow down and name your future baby after your man's deceased wife. Sorry I had to hurry up and write that. By chosing not to doesn't mean that you don't respect the marriage that he had with her or that you don't respect the women who she once was, or that you do not love him. I'm pretty sure she was a wonderful women. That was the past and he is still laging on. I understand that the love is still there and he may always love her, in which you're going to have to accept since you're choosing to be with this man. But, he has chose to move on with another women (you) so he need to move on with his life all together. I'm not being cold hearted. Death has hit home with me and the pain never leaves. So to sum it all up, when it's time to move on, he will move on, and Kells, it seems like he's not ready to. It's going to take time.
ReplyDeleteThanks ladies :) Him and I did a lot of talking yesterday and last night after not talking for a couple of days (by my choice) I think this is going to be an ongoing conversation. We both have to be patient and understanding about it. This has really made me aware of my insecurites and I think it has made him aware that he needs to do his part in making our relationship exactly that OUR relationship.
ReplyDeleteHe felt that since I wanted a the name to be my mother's name that using his wife's middle name "Christine" that this future baby would honor two great women. I am not sold on it. I think it's going to take a lot of time. Thankfully we both are prepared for that and we both want to make this relationship work.
Thanks again Mena and Candance!!!! I appreciate your thoughts and comments.