getting old sucks

So any woman's nightmare I discovered two gray hairs. *clears my throat* down there. wahhhhhhh. wtf. I was down there grooming and I couldn't believe my eyes. I don't even have any gray on my head. If I ever felt unsexy it was then.

I know I must sound silly but seriously this has really brought me down. I'm ready to eat brownies straight out of the pan.

totally tuned out

lately I have been checked out from the outside world. I literally hate being online, texting or talking on the phone. I actually don't mind chit chatting with complete strangers through my blog readings than people in my personal life. I so just want to be anti social and left alone to my own thoughts. I have a lot going on emotionally and mentally right now that I just want to be left alone.

I have always kind of known that I don't do good with needy people. But I get so aggravated with needy people. I have particular friends who are and seriously I can't deal. When talking or around them I am totally dazed and my physical body is present but the rest of me is totally not there. In my head I am totally screaming leave me the fuck alone. Does that make me a terrible friend??? I mean I feel like I do my friend duties being there when they need me which seems like all of the time. I really have only one friend that I never mind talking or seeing these days. It's because she totally understand what's going on because we are going through the same thing right now.

What the fuck do you do?


p.s. I can't seem to freaking work out. ugh!!!

it's back to insanity for me

I had a physical today. sooooo I really need to do something about my weight. I have been eating pretty healthy for the most part. I have been indulging in the occasional drink or two and sometimes pizza and sweets. But I have to do something seriously. It was embarrassing having the cute fireman/paramedic that was the doctor's assistant pinching my fat on my abdomen, upper arms and my thighs. I was wearing a skirt and he was trying to pinch my thigh a little above my knee and he couldn't get it so he ask the doctor. She came over lift up my skirt and got a big chunck of my upper thigh! lol I think he didn't want to lift up my skirt. I was a little embarrassed. I had to do this flexibility test where you sit down with your legs straight in front of you and you have to reach without bending your knees to slide this thing. I had trouble getting up. One I was wearing a skirt and two when you are a chubby girl trying to get up off the floor with nothing to pull yourself up. So he put his hand out and asked if he could help me up. How sweet is that. I declined didn't want him to have to feel my weight.

I will get back to working out consistently no matter how hot it is and what mood I am in. I sabotage myself all of the time. I should of lost some weight by now if I stuck with the insanity.

So it's back to insanity for me.

anxiety episode

ugh lately I have been having episodes of anxiety. I hate that tightening of my chest and shortness of breath. I don't know why. It seems to hit me once to twice a day out of no where. I'm sitting here at work discussing a rib competition that my department is competing in so no really worries and all of sudden there it is the chest tightening. I felt it at the grocery store last night too.

It's been awhile since I have had an anxiety or panic attack. I am so thankful that I am capable to deal with them without being on medication or letting them consume me. I am grateful for that because I know so many people who let this terrible thing take over their lives.

I felt awful when I was on medication for them because I got them so frequent. I had a real cool doctor that wasn't all about me being on them for life. He just wanted to take them to get balance and slowly ween myself off and that seemed to do the trick because then I didn't have signs of an attack for like three years. So now I only have them a couple of times a year but it's pretty frequent now.

I guess the best advice I can give myself is just to breathe.

the ball is rolling

*exhales* I feel good about where things are going. Today my doctor's nurse called and I have an appointment to see my doctor in two weeks. I am really excited to get things going. I feel positive and I feel real good about myself.

Bitching

How do you deal with hating your job? It seems to be getting worse and worse everyday. It's crazy how I use to like going to work. I mean I use to go in early now I dread going in. I think it's taking a toll on me. I am always tired and weary everyday. It all caught up to me today. I got home ate dinner and then poof I end up waking up at like 9pm on the couch. I don't remember laying on the couch lol.

Work has been so busy since we have had layoffs. I'm doing the work of 3 or 4 people. I sure don't feel the pay of that many people. My boss is so difficult to work with. I know it could be worse but she comes off like she is going to listen and take what you say but why bother when she doesn't do anything about it.

I am beginning to really dislike people in my department and it's only a matter of time before I say something. I am actually surprise that people still like me because I have become so outspoken.

This economy is no better. Looking for a job is awful. Jobs are like 15k less than what I make now and I don't even feel like I may enough. It's so stressful. I remember when jobs were out there. I never really had a problem finding another job if I weren't happy with what I was doing.

I am thankful to have a job and that thought is about the only thing holding my sanity together. But how do I snap out of this? I'm getting irritable and angry. Seriously do I need therapy?

Enough of my bitching. If anyone is reading thanks for reading my awful bitching.

birthday blues

I am totally not a birthday person and don't make a big production out of it. Reason being I have a couple of people I know make such a big thing about it. It's about presents and what everyone is going to do for their birthday. I don't expect anything or expect anyone to do anything for me but.....

My dad decides to pop over today I had the day off and he basically wanted to wish me Happy Birthday but comes out sorry I don't have anything for you other sending you flowers. He had flowers sent to me at work yesterday. Then he is telling me about how he is going out to dinner and movies with a bunch of people tonight. He didn't even care to try and make dinner plans with me or anything. In the past we had always gone out to dinner and he always gets me this certain cake. I guess not this year. I mean wtf. I'm not asking for anything but I thought he would at least want to take me out to dinner and cake.

I woke up feeling good today. I was able to fit into some capri and I just felt good about me and now I am so bummed.

Birthdays without my mom totally suck.

taking out the garbage

Today well rather yesterday I went to help a friend move. It was the worse. She lives an hour and half away which doesn't bother usually. The morning started with wasted running around. We get to her house and she has nothing packed! Seriously I would never ask someone to help me move without having my stuff packed. One I really wouldn't want someone packing my stuff. She didn't pack the things that I thought would be the first to pack. Her whole freaking kitchen!

She had this guy helping her move her stuff that was the hugest racist prick. I was soooo uncomfortable and angry. I started to realize the kind of person my friend was too. Trash. I don't think I am better than anyone else but one thing I do know is that I am not trashy or affiliate with trashy people. I was upset the whole day and wanted to leave. But I couldn't was stuck. She asked for me to stay at her old house and continue packing while they get the stuff off the truck and bring back more boxes. She asked me to pack up her kids' closets and clothes. I was pissed.

Ok now to top off the day her bf wants her to contact someone she knows who is ordering UFC fight. She calls this person asking if her bf could come over to watch the fight this person never met her bf and to top it off my friend didn't tell this person that with was going to be her bf, two other guys and her two kids!!! omg seriously. AND my friend wasn't even home to go with him. She told her bf to go show up at this person's house. We get back to her house and she asked me if I wanted to go and I said the last thing I want to do is socialize with strangers. It's 10 at night and I spent the whole day moving and the racist prick was with her bf. I said I would just go home (I was suppose to spend the night) So I left at 10 at night. What bullshit.

where is the friendship going to go now? I honestly can't be friends with someone who I truly believe is trash and associates with racist people.