Wednesday, March 16, 2011

a blog for me

It's been a couple of weeks after the big move. I wonder to myself am I cut out for this? It has been difficult living with someone. I sometimes find myself feeling wearing down. Also, I need to do something about my attitude. The boy is really trying and I sometimes lash out at him. I sometimes feel it's for good reason but there should never be a good reason to lash out at someone. I just get frustrated. I knew what he was like coming into this relationship but it's difficult when you live with it day in and day out. I don't know how to make me feel better. I really want to say what's on my mind but I am afraid that I will hurt his feelings or come off cruel.

Then there are those moments when he puts his arms around me and hold me. Those moments when he says the littlest things that have so much meaning. Like we were at a store and he saw this sign that he wanted to get it said "Life is good" He said that he wants to put it in the kitchen because he feels that life is good when he is in the kitchen cooking for me and his son. I think of that moment a lot. To remind myself that this is why I came here.

He says all the time that he is happy when it's just us. That he is happy with me. He says just us because his mother lives with us. She is supposely moving in a month. It has been VERY challenging living with her. I don't help the situation because I complain about her to him. I sometimes need to remind myself that she is his mother that I should/need watch what I say.

Even on here I wish I could say what's on my mind. I can't because if I say out loud my complaints I will come off a total bitch. NOt that I care that people will think I am a total bitch but to myself.

I need to start doing something constructive with my time for myself. I am plenty busy here. I really don't have no time to blog, read blogs, facebook anymore. We are up by 7 am every morning and to bed by midnight almost every day. We barely ever have time to watch movies like we use to.

I think another thing that is bothering me is the job search. FOr both of us. It's just not happening. I know if I found a job I feel a lot better. Not having a job has really made me miss my old job. Never thought I would say that.

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