baby mode

I am in such baby mode. In the last two months I have made a decision that I want to start a family (smbc) next year. But that's next year. It's only the end of May. I have a long way till then. To officially start. It's driving me crazy. I keep telling myself that I cannot do anything. I am not completely prepared as far as money and to get me out of baby mode. I tell myself do all of the fun things now that I won't be able to do when I am pregnant and after I have a baby.

I am super anxious but it's scary at the same time. I am totally confident in my decision but you can't help get all of the questions or wonders.

hmmmm this is a scattered blog just had to get my thought out. Probably will be more later.

xxoo

insanity

My weight has really become an issue. I have gained so much weight. I am finally finally decided that I am going to try the insanity workout home dvds. It's sixty days. I am going to commit to myself. It's two months. I have to do it for me. My hope is that if it's expensive that I will do it. I can do this I know I can. I will feel better.

Wish me luck and good wishes that I stick this out.

xxoo

Kells

Rear view Mirror

Often times I imagine looking in my rear view mirror and see all I am leaving. Meaning wish I could just pack what I can in my car and drive away. Not having a particular destination in mind. It would be so nice to have that freedom. Not be stuck just working to pay the bills. I guess this thinking is I feel no ties here. This may sound sad but I don't feel that way. I am pretty at ease with my life other than the occasion complaint of work or people.

I guess it's one of the many reasons that has made me want to have a child. It may all sound contridictory me wanting to leave and then just say settle down and become a mother. I just feel strongly that a child would give me a purpose to put roots down. I feel like I have no real family anymore. Since my mom died it's not the same anymore and it has taken me years and a lot of emotions to be okay with that. Don't get me wrong it hurts every day knowing that I don't have my mom anymore. The okay part is that my once was family is no more. I have come to terms with it and pretty much look at it is as "it is what it is"

madness and sadness

I haven't blogged in forever. I have just been so super busy. This is my only weekend of not having a thing to do. I love it. Next weekend I have Thursday night hanging out with my friend and her cousin who is coming in from Canada. Friday spending the day with my sister n law and getting my hair cut. Friday night I prepping food for my Saturday night. Saturday driving to my friend's house who lives an hour and half away barbecuing and getting the UFC pay per view which I can't wait to see. Sunday morning I will be at her house probably till the early afternoon and then I think may do family things Sunday or Monday. After that weekend I am going to a concert with the friend who lives hour and half away so spending Saturday and part of Sunday there too. whew it's a lot and I haven't quite determine where I am getting the money to do all of this lol

And....I finally come to the realization that I need to go on a diet. what sadness :( I swear I can't fit into anything. I have so many pairs of jeans especially some really nice expensive brands that I can't fit into ugh.

So I pulled out my biggest loser calorie counter book lol and I am going to go grocery shopping every Sunday and buy for the week. My biggest fault with dieting and meals is my lack of planning ahead.

It kind of sucks I already wake up early just to have time to do my hair and makeup. My favorite saying beauty is pain lol It sure is. I can't seem to get myself to do more than walking these days. Normally I find a work out that I love and have the motivation to do it. Not this time around. I love tae bo but not enough to make myself do it. Well besides you should only do it once a week. I can't get into doing my Biggest Loser yoga, Jillian's or Jackie Werner workout which I love all of them and seen the best and fastest results.

So I keep telling myself one thing at a time. Get my eating better and continue my walking and slowly incorporate yoga and tae bo.

Well off to enjoying my weekend of nothing. Hoping I will do more blogging.

Obsessive behavior

Oh why can't I work out. work has been so stressful and annoying the F. out of me. So when I get home I don't want to do anything. The only thing I can make myself do is walk and the weather has been sucking. Rain rain go away.

I feel like I am struggling with working out and this craving for excitement and adventure but don't know what to do. ugh. I know I will get over this bipolar moment *grins*

I still have this semi-dangerous obsession of shopping. I swear I need to cancel my internet service to stop from ordering online! Ok so it's not that bad but I have to admit I can get impulsive. lol

And finally I am in baby mode. I see babies, pictures of babies and baby things and I WANT one. So obsessive.

I swear I never thought I had such a obsessive trait but I am finding I am learning all new things about myself. lol

Well keeping this blog short. I am totally scattered and all over the place. Not making much sense. =)