baby fever

There is something in the water that I wish I were drinking. It seems like I know someone who is pregnant or trying to get pregnant. I can't help but be envious and wish it were me. I know that's not in my cards right now and it frustrates me.

I've had this fever of looking at all things baby. I sometimes wonder am I crazy that I want to buy baby things or look at them??? I constantly think of names, boy names that is. I already have a girl name just playing around with the middle name. I'm a obsessive person by nature so this has taken over my thoughts and even my dreams. I dream of so much to be a mother.

Is it bad that I feel owed to be blessed of becoming a mother? I've like so many other people have dealt with loss, grief and pain in my short 31 years of life. At age 21 to 22 I had to watch someone who I loved most in this world, suffered and die. At 22 I had to arrange a funeral for my mother and take care of my youngest brother and my dad. So can I feel owed something? Just this one thing to have a beautiful healthy baby.

On a lighter note:

I gained the pound that I lost last week. But I expected it. I didn't workout only walked. My eating has been bad the last two days. But it's ok I am resetting so starting tomorrow going back strict.

you get what you put in.

starting weight: 233 1/2

last week: 230 (-3 1/2)

6-20 result: 229 (-1lb)

a big whopping one pound loss. I will take it. Last week my eating was off I wasn't keeping track of my calories and I was missing meals. So I know I wasn't over eating. I didn't do two workouts. So you only get one you put in and apparently I only put in one pound weight loss worth.

I'm disappointed in myself but it's ok shit happens.

So tomorrow is a whole new week. I will keep track of calories, do all of my workouts, and take my vitamins.

be beautiful. be smart. beflurt.

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Today I come home and I get in the mail a letter from beflurt that I am a "Preferred Customer" and I get my own promo code. How awesome is that?!

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I heart beflurt.

Eating is important

So I normally weight myself on Sundays which are my rest days. Well I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning and I haven't lost anything :( I am really down about it. I haven't been keeping track of my calories but I know I am way under because I have been skipping meals and eating less. Isn't that funny I am contributing my lack of weight loss to not eating as much?! where is the logic in that. But I think it's true. My workouts were super tough and I must of not been having enough fuel for my body.

Then yesterday I skipped my workout I feel totally weird. So I am even contemplating of trying to do yesterday workout and today's workout all today. yikes! probably not smart but I am going to try it at least and see how I feel.

Losing weight has become an obsession.

they're ah rubbin

my thighs that is. I am wearing a skirt today since it's hot and our building tends to get hot and sometimes humid. I dread wearing skirts and dresses because of my thighs rubbing together. Normally I carry some body oil with me and I forgot so now my thighs are rubbing and sticking together. ick. Not to mention that it hurts. So I am avoiding doing any kind of walking and I know I must be walking funny at times lol

So I hope that Shaun T helps me with that problem. Speaking of Shaun T. I am in love with him. =) he is just so darn sexy. I am doing the workouts and he is speaking to the camera but in my mind he is talking directly to me pushing me and I can't let him down so I keep going. I do take my breaks but he encourages that if you are too tired or need a break take one. Today is Plyometric Cardio Circuit which I hate. It's probably my least favorite. Yesterday, I had Pure Cardio is my absolute fave. Except I don't think I will ever be able to do suicide jumps. They will beat the death of me. That's the only exercise on that dvd that skip. Saturday I will do the Pure Cardio and Cardio abs which I am real excited to do. Isn't that funny?! *giggles*

Parenthood passed me by

I felt the need to write a blog this morning. Every morning I drive pass a school on my way to work. This morning I watching all the kids, walking , riding their bikes or walking with their parents to school. I thought to myself I am suppose to be one of those parents. What happen to the time? My life has not came out to what it should of been. Back in 98 I was a little over 4 months pregnant and I miscarried. My child would of been 11 years old. In 2004 I was pregnant again but very early detected not far along at all and I miscarried again. That child would of been 5 or 6 not sure when I was due. This will more than likely be another blog sometime.

So today I should/would of been a parent taking my kid to school.

I love that I have options to become a mother and god willing that ttc through a donor happens easily and quickly for me. I love this fact. But it scares me. Women get pregnant and guys leave them or want nothing to do with the pregnancy (my first pregnancy was like that) so women are alone. I know I can do it alone. But I can't help but think of having someone to go through it with it. I don't have much family and my mom is gone who would of been there every step of the way encouraging and rooting me on. Who will comfort me and let me cry and ease my worry or concern? If I don't do this I will never become a mother. I have always known that I meant to be a mother and I will make a darn good one.

scattered thoughts are all over the place.

three and one slash two

Sunday are my rest day from the insanity program. I also made it the day I will weight in. I loss

3 1/2 lbs. a loss is good but I was kind of hoping for more. So I am a little disappointed. I wonder if it's because I was on my period??? I normally pull a good 5 or 6 lbs when I have gone on a diet and exercise. I swear the thirties are killing me. One thing I can say is that I am improving. Yesterday I was doing push ups better than I when I first started and it's only been a week. So that's a big plus.

I am really seeing that during this sixty day period I really have to cut out doing things. I had to house and dog sit yesterday so I went after I worked out yesterday but it's hard to stick to a diet plan. I also went to a friend's house last night and they order pizza. I couldn't help but have a few pieces. ugh. I was so disappointed at myself. I do give myself credit that all I drank was water. Everyone was drinking beer and I so wanted one. But I am determined to lose significant amount of weight.

Since today is my rest day I am resting from the meal plan. I am going to eat healthy but I am not going to count calories and stick to the routine of five meals. So far I have only had some yogurt and cereal. I have ribs cooking on the grill right now and so I will eat that with some spinach no bread. Although I so want to make some cornbread.

Well I have just rented Alice in Wonderland ondemand. So off to watch that.