the move.

The move is fast approaching. I have so much to do and things to get done. I have like 3 weeks left. Within that time I am visiting babes for 5 days. So it doesn't give me a whole lot of time to get some time in with other friends. It's kind of getting overwhelming and spending the money to do things. I have people asking me to do this and that. And it seems like everyone I knows birthday is in February.

I really want to see everyone before I leave. But also, I don't want anyone to think that I never going to see them again. I am only going to be a 4 hour drive. It's a lot but not managable.

I am finally going to get my paperwork from HR. My director was holding up my PA (personal action) form. I think she was thinking that I was going to change my mind. She is a weird one.

I am really happy that I am leaving here.

thoughts on dating

Things between J. (my bf) and I are doing pretty good. I think this relationship is a learning experience for both of us and I just can't ask for a better man to learn this with. Don't get me wrong he has his faults. But I know this is true love when I love him for his faults. I am so looking forward to this year with him. I wish I could put into words how I feel about him. I fall more and more in love with him every day. For once in my life there is no guessing, no questioning, no wondering. I know where he stands and how he feels about me. There are no games. It's so relieving. I kissed plenty of frogs to find this prince.

With talking to a friend about another friend (was a friend, more of acquaintance now). I have this friend well she is kind of frumpy and wants this good looking man but she doesn't want to put any effort into it. She doesn't do her hair, makeup or dresses for her body type. She is a plus size girl, she has a daughter but she has this huge list of what she wants. I don't believe in settling but seriously you need to uncheck some of your boxes when looking for someone. Also, she doesn't want to put herself out there. She expects a man to magically appear or for her friends to find her a man. No man is going to want her if she doesn't put any effort into they way she looks and she is super judgemental. She has turned religious. Isn't it funny how people turn religious and they forget who they were. Or forget do you remember I knew you when you were younger and were doing some of the stuff that you did. But I don't judge you. But you judge some of the stuff I do or others do. I don't get it.

What made me bring that up is she heard about J. and I, and she was not happy for me. She couldn't understand how come I found someone and she didn't or hasn't.

It's a lot of working dating. I was putting myself on dating websites and unchecked some boxes. By unchecking some of those boxes I discovered that I liked a certain kind of man that I didn't before. It's not easy. You have to deal with meeting duds, rejections, games guys play, drama and the time that takes to put into it. Hell I was taking a break from dating and poof here he was.

Anyways just some thoughts on dating and my lover :)

Girlfriend of a Widower

oh my I can't believe how long it has been since I written a blog. A lot has happened in the last few months. I met someone. I have come to terms that I was going to be by myself and I was ok with that. And then poof. Here he came. I cannot stop smiling thinking about it. Now it’s going on six months later. We are moving in together. Well I am moving to him. He lives in another state. I am quitting my job and moving. Honestly I couldn’t be happier. I have no doubts that this is what I want. Don’t get me wrong I am scared and nervous. But who wouldn’t be.

We bicker and disagree about everything! Seriously I mean everything. But I couldn’t ask for a better man. We talk and compromise. We always seem to work through things.

But the thing I am facing is that. I am GOW. Girlfriend of a Widower. I knew this upfront. We have talked about it. I know he loves me. But I can’t help these insecurities. Feeling 2nd best, knowing that she was his soulmate, knowing that I have to share his heart with her. From what I am reading everything I am feeling is NORMAL. Thank god. I don’t mind him talking about her (sometimes it more than other times) I don’t mind he has one framed picture of her out. The constant reminders (ie: He wears her ring on a necklace, he has her name tattoo on him. Also little things around his house) sometimes get to me but for the most part I am ok with it and can live with it.

Recently we’ve been talking and disagreeing about a particular subject. I am just going to say it and hopefully I get comments and opinions. We are at the point where we want to have kids. It’s always fun going over baby names and talking about what our kids would look like. I’ve always said if I had a girl I would like to name her after my mom who passed away. Well he wants the baby girl middle name to have his late wife’s middle name. Yikes. Does anyone feel how I feel? He says it’s a tribute for someone that was such a great person. It made me feel worse about myself. She sounds like this great person. She was a positive person. I am cynical. She was this skinny girl. Well I am chubby plus. She was outgoing. I am somewhat shy. She was mellow about things. I worry a lot.

How can I compete with all that? He makes me feel loved. I know he loves me. I know it’s all my own issues, besides the whole name thing and how he describes. It’s hard hearing what she meant to him.

I have been doing a lot of reading about this. I have to HAVE to learn to accept that I am sharing his heart with her. In time it gets easier. I tell myself that she had his past. I have his future. She had his heart then, I have it now and future. She never had any children with him. God willing I will. I continue to tell myself all of these things but it’s still my own insecurities that are getting. I can’t help but feel second best and that I am competing.

I feel it’s too late to turn back or back out of this relationship. I can’t imagine my life without him and honestly I don’t want to be without. I found love when I thought it didn’t existed.

So I just have to work through this and pray through time it will get easier for me.

changes

It's funny how things happen when you at least expect them too. Or how you have a plan or know the direction you want to go in and poof it all changes. This year I have been sure of things I want to do and accomplish. Now all of sudden those things have changed.

Someone recently came into my life. Totally unexpected but so refreshing. It's really too new tell what to come out of it but it's so exciting getting to know someone and have someone interested and pursuing you :)

I feel like I may jinx it if I talk about it. I really haven't talked to anyone about it. Something I want to keep to myself for now.

I hope all is well in blogging world for everyone.

xxoo

anti social, m.i.a., incognito

Just some of the words how I am feeling. There is a small amount of people that I tolerate communicating with these days.

I don't feel depress or anything because lord knows I have been there so I know if I am depress or not. But for the last month or so I don't want to be around anyone or talk to anyone. All I want to do is be at home in my nice dark(I keep all the blinds closed, mostly to keep my house cool) and really cold air conditioned house. I am content and peaceful doing that.

Thankfully my true friends seem to understand that. But I sometimes I feel guilty or bad for not being a friend or not doing my quote on quote friend duties.

Working out is so non existent. I know if I do I will feel tons better. But this damn heat I don't want to do anything.

I hope I snap out of this because I have so many things going on this month and September.

ten years

so yesterday was my mom's anniversary of the day she died. It's been ten years. It's so hard to believe that it's been that long but at the same time it seems like it has been eternity.

It's crazy all the emotions that you experience all at once or through the whole time. I think of grief and it never ends to me. It's not a process it's the feelings you exerience or have for the rest of my life. At least for me it's that way.

I remember the woman she was. Absolutely the best. There was no one that didn't love her. She made friends where ever she went. I always wish I was that way. My brothers are. She was such an amazing person.

I wish I had here. Especially all that I am trying to do I wonder what she would think or what she would have to say. My mom always had something to say, it drove me nuts but it's something that I truly miss.

I wonder what she thinks of how we all turned out. How I turned out.

I miss her every minute of the day.

rest in peace mom.

BB after dark

I am a huge fan of Big Brother. This is the first year I watch the After Dark show on showtime. Usually it's kind of boring. But last night episode has me cracking up (I dvr it) so I am watching it right now and so far Hayden has scratched his ass and giving his resume over the camera. I don't know if he is serious or has gone insane from solitary confinement which I have know idea what that is about.

It is confirmed how annoying Rachel is. She really makes herself sound like an alcoholic. I never hear one person talk so much about alcohol. How is Brenden like her???

This is the first season that I don't have a fave. I normally I always seem to like who the house hates but I am annoyed with Rachel. I like Enzo but not sure he can win it.

Anyways just some random BB thoughts.